English Fun - Анекдоты

Feminine voice over the telephone: "Hello, are you Harry?"
Masculine voice: "Not especially, lady, but I am far from bald."

Harry - имя, созвучно слову hairy ['heari] волосатый

Politician: And now, gentlemen, I wish to tax your memories.
Man in the audience: Good heavens, has it come to that?

good heavens - вот это да!
to tax - 1. брать на пробу, испытывать; 2. обналожить
has it come to that? - неужели дошло до этого?

"I met a ghost once, as I was cycling down a lonely country lane at midnight. Not only did I see him plainly, but I heard him speak."
"What did he say to you?"
"How do I know? I never studied dead languages."

dead language - 1. мертвый язык; 2. здесь язык мертвых

A Frenchman who had never been to England before, one day started from a large London station on a railway journey. The station was under repairs at the time, and the brick-layers had erected some scaffolding. As the train was steaming slowly out of the station and neared the scaffolding, a porter warningly shouted in a loud voice: "Look out!"
The Frenchman at once popped out his head, which came violently into contact with the structure.
When he had sufficiently recovered from the effects of the blow to speak, he exclaimed: "Oh, those Englishmen are great fools. They say 'look out' when they mean 'look in'. I do not like their language."

look out - 1, берегись! 2. выглянь! (антоним - look in.)

Cook was sent by his employers to a customer who was notorious for his slackness in making payment. After several vain attempts to get the money, Cook remarked:
"Well, sir, at least you can let me know on what date my firm can expect payment?"
The customer said indignantly: "Do you take me for a prophet?"
"No," answered the weary Cook. "Up to the present my firm have always regarded you as a loss."

home truth - горькая правда
to take somebody for something - счиать кого-то чем-то
prophet ['profit] - пророк
profit ['profit] - польза, выгода
up to the present - к этому времени
loss - убыток (антоним profit)

"Was the prisoner sober?"
"No, sir. He was drunk as a judge."
"You mean, 'drunk as a lord,' of course."
"Yes, my lord."

"I don't like the look of your husband," said the doctor gravely.
"Neither do I," the wife replied, "but he's kind to the children."

The school-teacher was taking the class in botany.
"Now, children," he said, "do any of you know if there is any relation between plants and animals?"
Tommy James rose to his feet:
"Yes, sir," he said, "I know of one case."
"Tell the class," said the teacher.
"Well, the dog and the tree are similar," said Tommy. "They both have a bark."

Was taking the class in botany - проводил урок ботаники

Tom: What'll happen if your invention doesn't work?
Dick: Well, old man, I'll have to.

old man - старина, друзяка
to work - 1. дейстововать, функционировать; 2. работать